a dopamine hit that I could rely on

I sent nude photos without my face in them to a stranger I met online. The first time I did this it felt exciting and naughty and I didn't think it was a risk, but it was always a secret. It wasn't something I needed to or wanted to share with people because I did feel dirty for doing it, but it also didn't feel shameful. maybe this is because it WAS a secret and there was no one to make me feel shameful. It didn't feel empowering, but I didn't think too much about it as, to my knowledge, there were no consequences.

I was young, horny, and craved validation from men. obviously I was ultimately wanting to be loved, and this felt like a dopamine hit that I could rely on in the mean time. the second time I did this was after I had my first big breakup, I was sexting a stranger I'd met on a dating app and I was really sad. I felt unloveable after my breakup and so just wanted to feel desired. I didn't meet up with him and soon after I sexted him I deleted the app. It made me feel quite empty.

I wouldn't do this again unless I were in a dark place, I think since I have now felt deep reciprocal connective love, it feels so pointless and like something that I don't benefit from anymore, not even in terms of validation.